Tuesday, 15 July 2008

  • ABF Answers All Your Dating Questions.

    Question: Dear abf, my name is Tiffany. Here's my dilemma: I'm in love with a girl, but I don't think she's a lesbian. I think she knows I like her but I'm not sure and it's tearing me up. What do I do!? I LOVE THIS GIRL!

    Answer: What you need to do is conspire with a number of friends to fake a zombie apocalypse and make her think that all the men in the world are gone. Then, while hiding in your basement, under those pressure cooker conditions and the human need for some kind of emotional release, she'll probably crack and let you do her.


    Question: Dear abf, my girlfriend flirts with other guys all the time!

    Answer: That's not even a question, you moron. But look... relationships require communication. I recommend you talk to her about the situation and if she appears to act as if she has NO CLUE what you're talking about, then punch a hole in the wall. This dramatic act will show her that you mean business, but will also freak her out, so she might leave you, but if she's with you and flirting with guys, I'm banking on her having low self-esteem. She'll probably stay with you. If not, it's still fun to punch holes in walls. I've never done it, but I want to someday.


    Question: Okay, my girlfriend is allergic to sperm, so whenever she gives me head, she sneezes and bites my best friend! It hurts like you would not believe and is leaving marks. What should I do?

    Answer: Wow, this is certainly a TMI moment. Anyway, she's probably faking it. Girls hate giving head. I say you retaliate by developing a sudden allergy to her pets. Mind games for the win!


    Question: I think I'm love with my cat. What should I do?

    Answer: Kill yourself.


    Question: Alright, whenever my boyfriend and me have sex, he always finishes first, then rolls off and falls right to sleep. I really, really do not enjoy our sex. It's like he doesn't care about my sexual needs. How can I force him to make me scream from sheer pleasure?

    Answer: Tell him to give you good sex or you'll set something he loves on fire, such as his baseball cards.


    Question: My boyfriend wants to try anal, but I don't want to.

    Answer: Again, not a question, and also, you've given me very little information to analyze. Hell, I don't even know if you're a guy or girl. I'm gonna assume you're a girl, though, alright? What you need to do is just tell him that if he lets you do him with a strap-on, then, after that, you'll let him try anal. When the shoe's on the other foot, it's usually far less of a turn-on.


    Question: I asked this girl out and she said she'll "think about it", and so I waited, and asked her a couple days later and she said she was still thinking about it but wasn't sure. What do I do?

    Answer: You're doomed. She doesn't want to go out with you, but doesn't have the spine to tell you and break your heart, so on her behalf, I'm telling you to start looking for other girls.


    Question: I met this great guy at a club the other night, and we had so much fun, but now he won't return my phone calls! What should I do?

    Answer: I don't know what the hell is wrong with you. You let yourself be a booty call. The end.


    Question: There's this guy, and he was really sweet and romantic when we started going out, and everything was perfect, but now he's ignoring and talking to girls at the mall, and has all these girls' number in his phone. Do you think he's a player? I mean, this guy is like so perfect and I love him so much, but I just don't know. I don't want to have my heart broken...

    Answer: Yup, you got played. You say he was all sweet and shit? Well guess what? The reason he's perfect is because his act is well-rehearsed and he just takes the same formula and uses it to get women in bed and make them think he loves them. If he loved you, he'd stick with you and stop messing around with all those skanky ghetto bitches. For real.


    Question: I'm in love with my mother, but I'm afraid to tell her, because I know she'll chase me around with an axe if I tell her. I can't stop thinking about her, but I feel like if I sleep with her, that my dad would kick my ass, that is, if he was sober long enough to realize what the hell was going on. Oh well, I guess I'll go kill myself now.

    Answer: What. The. Hell. Never speak to me again.

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